Loneliness and the door it opens

Right now God’s provision for me is going against my strongest human longings. I desire to be near family and friends and to live my life in fellowship with them. Get togethers. Lunch. Holiday celebrations. Christmas dinner.

A couple of years ago my life assignment ended and I needed to know what was next. After a short transition, God opened a door for me to come to this city. Life unfolded—a job and place to live. A little time to write on the side.

But I’m lonely.

In my head I know God led me here out of His unmatched wisdom and unfathomable love. In my heart I long to be more with people I care about and who care about me.

So, I’m caught in between God’s will and mine.

Really, there’s no contest. Heartbreak, chaos, abandonment, betrayal, economic reversals, beauty, miracles, love shining down on me, intimate leading and teaching from the hand of God, and many other forces little and big, over a long period of time, have caused me to prioritize my relationship with Jesus. It wasn’t me and some superior logic or spirituality. It was Him patiently leading me along inch by inch.

Now my heart is more in sync with His. I have a deep knowing about what He’s up to in me…what He wants. His will.

And I know in my soul that His will is for me to stay put.

So I remain.

Loneliness is a kind of suffering. I know I’m certainly not alone in experiencing pain—the Syrian refugee families, the poor living in tenements only a stone’s throw from the rich, hungry children, the elderly who are homeless in my city because of the rising costs of housing, victims of violence…

In comparison my suffering seems light indeed.

Yet to suffer is to be admitted into a higher realm of understanding—if I will open the door and step in.

From past pain I know there is only One who is constant in love and wise enough to lead me through and out of suffering–Jesus. And I’ve glimpsed the truth that the home—family and fellowship—I yearn for is coming. Life here is a hint, a pointer to that home…and a time of preparation.

I open the door.

Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” – Jesus (Mark 3:14 NIV)


photo credit: JSmith@flickr.com (creative commons)

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